Vent session
-I’m exhausted. My 10-15 hour days make me feel like I’m 40 years old. I think I’m getting crow’s feet
-I’m sick and tired of… being SICK and TIRED
Just in the last few months, I’ve had: the flu, bursitis in my shoulder, a pinched nerve in my back, food poisoning, then starved for 2 wks bc I couldn’t stomach anything, corneal ulcer/eye infection, and daily fatigue - I seriously nod off most afternoons- while I’m at work.
I was really glad to be back to work after a 3-wk vacation. A week and half later and I’m sick and at home, AGAIN!
-I really do hate it when I indulge in laziness with whatever free time I get to have. When I sleep til 1 o’clock on the weekend, I feel like I wasted a whole morning, and then I feel like a bum, and that gets me even more upset. But I’m seriously just THAT tired. But I can see how I have no reason to sit at home all day and do absolutely nothing. Is it okay that I spend my weekend doing nothing? Going out at night doesn’t seem to be enough. I should be doing leisurely things during the day too, right? Is it weird that I have to ask this?
I’m ADDICTED to the very thing that exhausts me. I feel utterly useless and worthless when I’m not working, at the hospital, taking a class, etc. If I’m at home and doing nothing of value, I feel useless. I have hobbies too, but it’s the time spent in-between that really gets to me.
Now, all this busy business stuff isn’t necessarily a bad thing because I like all the stuff I do, but I see how it’s part of this vicious cycle that has become my life:
I keep myself busy, busy, busy-
I burnout and do nothing when I can-
doing nothing is depressing-
doing nothing shouldn’t be depressing-
but doing nothing is depressing-
I should do something then-
I’m too exhausted-
No, you’re just lazy-
what! no I’m not, I’m going to go do something now-
cough cough, sore, and achey. sick… again-
why am I unable to just stop for a moment and relax-
what’s wrong with me-
You know, seriously, I thought I was doing fine, particularly because my life has been hectic like this for the past year or two. But I also see how lately I’ve been very moody and pissy, which I wouldn’t say is typical of me. Which leads me to my next bone to pick…
-My boss was very moody today either because a) pay period ending is always busy and stressful or b) because I’ve been out sick the last 2 days and will be Monday morning too. To think it’s because of the latter makes me very angry.
This has been bothering me all day. It’s not like I elected to be sick or felt like staying home. In fact, I so badly wanted to be at work. AND rainy day schedule at my school is actually FUN! I didn’t enjoy having to turn off all my lights, and still needing to wear sunglasses around my house because the color of my walls were too bright and hurt to look at. My freaking eyeball hurt so bad it felt like there was a piece of glass in my eye. And, having to remember to put my eye-drops in every half-hour or hour is just boring.
Okay, I think this is working. This feels cathartic.
Seriously, no one feel sorry for me- I don’t even feel sorry for me. Just need to vent my spleen.
